Politics.. politics.. Whaaa?

So I see many bloggers posting about politics and the canidates they choose.. and I'm utterly amazed at how many ultra conservatives I have considered blog friends. My goodness people.. the amount of oppression you wish upon the american people baffles me!

Regardless, I still consider them my blogger friends and really enjoy going to their blogs! Politics is the least of my worries (as my best friend in a pro-life, anti gay marriage, ultra conservative right wing nutjob!). I just find it amusing that people are all.. "We want ot bring out children to america to give them a better life.. but no mexicans allowed!".. I giggle.

I digress.

As for politics in my own realm... as you can see from my banners up top... I am pro-queer and massive HIV/AIDS research... I firmly despise Huckabee, and openly let everyone know why. Guliani is the closet republican I can agree with.. but I still dun like him all that much. I think some of the republican canidates need a reality check.... and pretty much hate all politics.

That said, I'm an Obama person. I firmly stand by 90% of Obama's views.. and he's pretty damn cool. Clinton scares the bejebus outta me... and I really don't consider any of the other Democratic canidates viable in the race.

Regardless, if my politics bother you, by all means, please don't read here anymore.. but as I said, I don't base friendships offa politics, and if you don't want a politic discussion on your forum, please say so. I don't want to offend people, but I also love a good natured debate (I use debate in the academic term of a friendly banter back and forth using true facts, not involving childish emotions or name calling.).

Anyway, feel free to strike up a debate here on my blog. I am VERY okay with that, and welcoem anyone to talk with me about it.

Later,

~Hawk

WOAH

1028 hits here... WOOHOO! I broke 1000 hits!

(yes, I relaize soem people get over 1000 a day, but not me... I'm excited to have 1000 in 6 months!)

WOOHOOOO!!!

Happy Holidays

So I've become more and more secretive about this blog. If you don't knwo me in real life, you have this blog.. if you do... you don't.. what a fun sentence.

I have been reading a couple blogs lately that put's that anon feeling in danger, yet I can't stop reading these blogs. They are some blogs that pertain to the center I work out.. about 6 of them.. and it's amusing to me.

I love getting inside my parents heads... I've been so disappointed lately with them. I work at a center and teach a class of older children. And it's so sad to me seeing as I had most of these kids in the youngers class a couple years ago, and to have them now and see how horrible these parents have become! The children too, I should add.

I hate this time fo the year, as the parents expect SO much from the staff. We've stopped all lessons in my room and are merely riding on a little break. Well apparently that means that it is time to start the Christmas projects adn the fact that I didn't have a single project go home my parents complained. It's not my fault that I am dealing with a classroom of unruly children where I get NO HELP.

And I have to deal with the other teacher in the room. She told me earlier on in the year when I was asking about a video that I couldn't do the video, she would, simply because I'd play favourites with some children... YET.. and a BIG YET here...

She bought xmas gifts for all her kids... AND then she went out and bought special things for 3 boys and then 2 littles... 2 of those 3 boys were who I was accused of playing favourites with. I find that so fucking amusing and annoying at the same time. Not only was I so poor this season that I had to go to teh dollar store, she just HAD to show me up by getting them exactly what they asked me for. It's so fucking annoying to see that.

I'm particularly cranky tonight, I may edit this post later when I'm not so pissed. I just.. the woman has good intentions I think.. but annoys the shit outta everyone till they give in. ANd get this, she thinks she's an author because she's got a book "deal" with a self publisher... I find that all the more ammusing... seeing as if she sent the book for a real publisher they'd laugh her outta the water!

Regardless, I'm feelign very insulty tonight, so I'm gunna stop the post here... I just REALLY needed to get out this frustration... which runs so deep that some day I'll sit down and really list out the shit going on at the centre I work at... someday.

Oh other things in life...

EJ is heading home for Xmas and new years... whic makes me sad. He chose to party with friends in his college home instead of spending our first new years together... and with already being emotional for many reasons, that was just a slap in teh face. But ofcourse I dont' tell him that... no need to be clingy. So now I'm sitting here being bitchy, hence the first half of the post... but I did get in a great bath tonight... Soaked then showered to get all teh mucky stuff off... and I feel so.. clean. lol. Generally I run 15 min showers so I can talk to EJ.. who knew.

I ahve the last bit of xmas shoppign to do tomorrow. I gotta go get my brother something from a particular store that is the only place in town that carries this one thing... which makes me sad. CAuse I know it's gunna be expensive. Makes me sad to be poor.

As for life in general... its' been a hard week. Nothing seems to be going right.. it was so pitiful at nap today at the centre I merely sat there adn laughed my head off simply because if I didn't I'd cry. I really do not like this time of year... people get their emotions hurt too much, or you expect something that never comes... or stupid things like that. So generally I keep my expectations low and all that shit.. and sadly it's hit even lower than my expectations were... and they were pretty low... though I did end up with 50 bucks in starbucks gift cards... when all else fails... Chai Tea... yum.

Now I'm finally going ot get some sleep.. as I gotta wrestle with all the other late time shoppers tomorrow who are just now getting out. Hopefully the xway will be clear enough that it won't be horrible to morning commute out there. Who knows.

Anyways,

HAPPY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!

HAHA

in your face Dobson..

http://www.soulforce.org/pdf/false_focus.pdf

MWAHAHAH! Screw off Dobson!

YAY

friday, BF just turned on to 264.. so he'll be here within the next 10 mins.. woohoo!

YAY FRIDAY!

boredom

Lunch breaks are horrible when you do them alone. I mean, I have several blogs in my friended sections, I have several favourite places that range from boredom reads to blogs I enjoy reading just to get angry about to prove to myself I have more a soul than they do (it's a shortcomming of mine, I deal with it!)

but sitting here right now, I realize I'm horribly bored. I have taken my book, in the last few days, from 20K to 80K... and sadly I'd win nano if I felt okay about submitting my books pages I've written... but alas, I don't! Damn my morals.

I have 10 mins left on my lunch break and I'm bored enough that I'm going to set out and get a milkshake... I want one. I seriously do.

Today at home is going ot be busy. I have to pack when I get home (cause i got lazy last ngiht and decided to sleep), then run over to teh party store, then head out and hopefully make it to EJ's before 730pm. that way we can go out ot eat and then come home, crash and drink.

I am making supper tomorrow night for us. Chicken covered in soup, baked, with baked potatos and soem type of fruit.. I'm hoping ot convince him to get a fruit medely... but I suppose I'll figure it out after I get there. I'm excited ot be all "homey" with him.. it feels right.

Last night he asked me if this turned in to a long term relationship what kind of wedding I'd want... this is the second time he's mentioned weddings nad marrying me... makes me nerovus so much. But I told him I'd just want something siple and would be content to go to the clerks office and get married that way... I mean, shit neither one of my parents invited me to their marriages why should I feel obligated to invite them? I don't. (childhood trauma 101).

anyway, if I'm getting a shake, I gotta go. 7 mins left.. adn it'll take me that long ot drive to DQ and order... yay for being late I suppose!

Later!

~hawk

frustrated

Today was frustrating. Work is misserable. I'm seriously considering a new job all because of one of my fellow employees. She feels that since she's been there longer, the world revlolves around her. She enjoys making decisions for me, enjoys tattle telling on me, and stupid shit like that. It's become fun to see who can piss the other one off more.

That said, I couldn't quit my job, I love it so.

I go up to visit EJ this weekend, I'm so excited. I'm buying a bottle of everclear vodka and a pack of Guiness and once up there we are shopping for food for hte weekend as well as some sprite and Cranberry juice... I am going to make Claydoughs all weekend (1 shooter of everclear, half a tumbler of cranberry, half a tumbler of sprite... omg, first real mixed drink I had at college, best I ever tasted!) but I'm also a bit poor this weekend, flying with only 30 bucks to get booze and food.. However, I may get a less strong Vodka just so i can do mt. Dew shooters... (which you can't do with 190 proof vodka... 90% ethanol, 10% water.. talk about "feeling the burn".. woo)

Yes, I'm getting drunk this weekend because life is falling apart around me. Mum is crazy, work is crazy, relationship is crazy, and really, I don't care much. I'm going to be at a safe place in a city with several contacts (two of those being my brothers who don't drink anymore), as well as being in a known area for drinking and being with someone I trust (atleast with monitoring my alcohol). He knows I'm planning drunkenness, as he's getting merely guiness for him so he can be my "watcher". I'm going to enjoy my weekend.

That said, I still have one more day at work, and I must remember that it's a bad idea to talk too much tomorrow for pissing off the teacher only means more horrible things for me come monday...

Now I go to bed with my sullen self and pray away my time tomorrow at work... Then pray for a LONG weekend that doesn't seem like it's flying away... yes, that would be best.

Goodnight all.

ugh

as you may or may not have noticed, not much is up on my nano blog.. I've decided to step back in to writing on my book... for I have a sense of renewed passion for writing and my mum actually gave me a great idea... she said "just send it off... to every place you can... who knows, someone may actually like it!"... so I wrote over 10000 words of my book in the last week.. which means my nano has suffered horribly. I don't htink I'm going to win nano this year, but that's okay. I'll call it a win if I can write 30K on my book before the end of the month.. cause while I didn't finish my nano task, the point of nanowrimo is to get people writing.. and it has! boy has it!

So alas, I'm going back to writing on my book... and here's to hoping to start sending it out by the new year!

I am thankful

Today at lunch with my kiddos, we did an "I am thankful for" talk. I teach Pre-K, mind you, so some of the answers were cute ("I am thankful for my mummy cause she gave birth to a kitten!" kinda things!) but some were really serious. Today I also had 4 school agers (two in Kindergarten and 2 in first grade).

The kids ranged from alligators to their parents/grandparents to the animals and beyond to Jesus, God and Death. Since I had them do it, I figured I'd do it too!

My Thankful list

1) God, the one and only person who is with me all the time.
2) family, as crazy as they are, it could be worse.
3) friends, B and E are my best friends, and honestly, I'd have it no other way. I don't make friends very easily, I'm not really an outgoing person, but I've found my niche with those people.
4) My kiddos... I have so many kids every year, simply by where I work. Some test my nerves, some make me grey prematurely, some make me scream that I never want kids, EVER (Daycare/Preschool, best Birth control in the world!), but in the end, when we sit down for lunch and have a great talk about God or our lessons from that day or even about their bath last night... OR when they are getting ready to leave and I get a huge hug with an "I love you Hawk!" screaming out of their mouth as they run off with mum or da... those are the moments I wouldn't change for the world.
5) every chance I get to work with youths. I understand teenagers, I'm not too far outside of the teen world myself, and it's exciting to me to be able to work there and give back somewhere where other's helped me.


Those are my top 5. I'm excited this year.

~Hawk

Old poetry

HAH, I was researching a bit of stuff I used to write.. and I found a site with some older poetry on it... shocker ot me... I Didn't know I had any poetry out there!

So now I post for others to critique...

Poem 1:
Time and space

One little boy sits to the side
Bleeding and bruised, wishing he would die
His father is yelling, rage all around
As he sits there, slumped to the ground

He knows not what to do
A young boy, a heart so true
No matter what he does, he gains bruises more and more
If only he could do something to even the score

Thoughts run through his head
His mother lying there, bruised and dead
Only a dream, he tells himself
His father better not, or else

He thinks of school children as they go by
Then his life flashes before his eyes
All the fun times he had with his family
Getting sick from loading up on candy

It seems as nothing in this week has gone right
Everything he's done ended up with a fight
The boy at school with the mean right hook
And the principal about that apple he took

The girl he liked telling him that he's trash
Or his mother telling him their out of cash
Why can't his life be better than this
Kinda like how people explain their first kiss

Sweet and gentile, warm and nice
Apples and peaches, sugar and spice
Butterflies and flowers
Sweet throughout the hours

But no, not him
In a family full of sin
One full of anger above all others
One that always was blood covered

He was jolted back to reality by a smack to the face
If only there was someone to take his place
A dark little puppy, so worn out
From fighting and scampering and running about

He blacks out from the tremendous pain
A little life with all but gain
All he needs is a wonderful place
Everything as well as time and space

Poem 2:

The Night

You give a promise
I accept such fate
I hope you are truthful
Or I find out before it's too late

You answer my questions
I ask because I don't know
You help me understand
The side I cannot show.

I wonder if anyone can hear me
When I scream out loud
I wonder if you understand me
When I slump not so proud

So now you tell me
That it will never happen with you
But can I see into your heart
A heart so wholesome and true

I can read what you say
Without much of my own
I hope you can understand me
With what I have shown

I give to you my heart
Open without a care
I show it to you because
This embrace is not a dare

Please protect me with your love
And show me it is alright
I am scared of what may become
Without my shield so tight

it's officially winter

My voice has died. Every year from winter till my bithday (in Feb) my voice goes bye bye. I tried to explain this to EJ last week, that when he got back form Vaca and saw me again... that I wouldn't be able to speak right... he didn't understand... Well when I get up there saturday night, He'll see first hand what I'm talking about. Or better, what I meant, as I won't be talking too much.

Time to pull out my irish teas and hot totties... woo...

GO MEL AND MAKS!!!!!!! (ahem)

ahh laundry

I did my moutain of laundry today... sadly I threw about half of it into the donation pile. Really I wear teh same outfits week after week, doing just a load on sundays of what I'll need for the next week... well I'm trying to simplify (makes moving out easier) and thus, I did all of it today then threw a bunch into the donation pile. I still kept some I can't part with.. but I cleaned out my drawers, my closet.. now I gotta clean out the chest of drawers in my closet and pack it up. IT's mainly stuff from my childhood.. all my old Karate Gee's, my old softball/baseball stuff, shit like that... that has true meaning... So It's gunna get packed up and stacked on the floor of my closet, and I'm going pull the set of drawers out, and see if my little cousin can use it.. then put my shifferobe into the closet, that'll give me more floor room in my tiny bedroom... but I just gotta find a place to put my fish tank... or pack it up and put it away (yeah right!). Regardless, I'll get a smal stand of it.. I think Fox gave me one for it.. I just gotta make sure it holds a ten gallon.

THat's what's on my plate this week. After I get that done, I'm gunna work on getting my floor 100% paked up so I can mop it (it's a wood floor, original wood of the house) and shine it up a bit. My room, hopefully, wil be 100% done by new years day. Hopefully.

This weekend has sucked.. Ive had nothing to do but clean, which is good, but still sucky... and nothing to do with humans. I avoid my parents like the plague, I am oing to get enough of them come thanksgiving day... but yeah.. EJ is out visiting his mum and da... so I've been stuck home all weekend, and I'm hatin it. He gets home next saturday.. and I can't wait... lol.

Anyway, life is alright, albeit a bit boring, how's your's going?

fuck the world

Wanna know what I should be doing? Writing. I'm writing on my book, but not my nano.. the whole point of doing Nano so much was to take a break. I opted to Nano this year jsut to TAKE A BREAK from writing... yeah... take a break from writing by writing... alright...

I'm not sane... I know this!

Anyway, life in general.. alright.. even though I'm in a FUCK THE WORLD mode (oddly, that's the song I'm listening to as well!). My kiddos are crazy.. we started a daycare attitude adjustment camp at work.. my kids are on "lock down" because they have to earn my trust again... I come back from vacation to find my kids were rude, hellions and down right disrespectful. I didn't work so hard to teach them to have them do this... so alas, we are simply going "back to basics" and my parents LOVE IT! They get to have fun, they get to play, but they are also responsible for their behaviour. So my little guys are really doing a lot better with it than i thought they would! We have had a rought 3 days, but over all, they really enjoy all the personal attention they get.

Anyway, I'm going to shower and off to bed now!

whirlwind

I am going to be more diligent in writing here daily, as I can. That's my Halloween resolution... oh what? You don't get one of those? Well I do.. the Great Pumpkin gave it to me.

Regardless, I just started Nano.. we are in another state visiting the step brother/sister in law, the neice and nephew... it's a scary place, texas... it's november and it's HOT! Like, I could og jump in the swimming pool and still sweat hot. I miss my cold weather from home.

I started adn posted my nano on my other blog... please feel free to read and see what that does for you.


I wanna point out now that I know that this blog has talked little to none about adoption lately/ever.... okay it started out as my adoption blog... I was going strong.. then I stale mated when I learned Ig ot some wrong information. I could not adopt at 21, like was previously told to me... and thus I have to be 25 basically.. I'm only 22 people... At this rate, I'll never adopt... so while I read everyone's blog still, though you'd never know it because I'm afraid to comment too too much, I dont' talk much about adoption here cause it others me. I want kids, I want my kids, and I want them through the adoptions I've always dreamed of. UGH life is so damn complicated when you're impatient.


Now back to regular stuff. I'm going out in search of blog friends tomorrow after a fun filled day wiht the babies. I'm going out in search of 20 some thing people who will actually comment and talk to me, people I can ge tot know... not 700 hits and not a damn comment... EVER... I want to know the people reading this... I want to make friends. So even if you aren't 20 something, please, comment, talk to me, let's get to know eachother! I don't bite, unless you are into that kinda stuff... then I'm sure we could work something out.. maybe...

Rgardless, I'm cranky and tired adn miss EJ, of all people. I was supposed to be spending this weekend at his place, cuddling before a stupid movie... though I think we are out of stupid movies (though he REALLY wnats me to see 40 yr old virgin.. and I hveno desire.. though I've seen the other two by the same director (knowcked up and Superbad)....who knows.. perhaps in 2 weeks that will be our movie...)

I miss simple pleasure, El Chico's, Appleby's, Max and Erma's... simple things that don't have a mascot... yes, no more mascots.

Now I pass out and sleep. I'm so tired and my chest hurts... I hate chest pains.. grrr... I'm too young ot be falling apart.

Good night!

update

Update. There isn't one. We are under water... loads of rain.

I'm back hanging out with EJ... we are gunna do Hubers this weekend in hopes that things work out. I dunno.. I like him, but we aren't much more than friends with hugs right now. I dunno.. boys suck.

I have a nasty cough, but that's it.. stupid Ohio Valley Crud.

Uhm... hmm.. I dunno. I've selected an agency, and will be happy to sign with them when I'm old enough. Mum's on a rampage about me having bio kids. she keeps saying "you have good genes! If you have kids with EJ, think about how SMART your kids will be... little left handed geniuses!"... oh mum. She just wants a baby at her side right now.. and she knows Fox and Thunder aren't giving her anything (HAH! My brothers, have babies? YEAH RIGHT!)

I started working on my Nano.. not started on it, per sey, but started on my character list and a bit about each character. I'm excited about this years... no clue why. But yes, I am happy to begin writing agian.. it's been a while. I started a blog for my nano.. it's under my profile if you want to read about it. Hopefully I'll update daily on it.. but HAH, we all know how that goes.

Other than that, life is moving on. Too stressful, too emotional, too just way out there for everyda living.. so we'll live 4 of 7 days! rest 3! lol. If only.

Anyway, off to write up a character sheets for my nano.. woo.

Prayers

if you pray, please pray for Wendy. Her daughter, in Guat., has gone down hill fast with Hydrocephaly.

You can read all about their case HERE. Please keep this little girl, and her whole family in your prayers.

Been a while/name game

theifed.

The Name Game

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car),
James Malibu

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie),
Vanilla Thin Mint

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
KMcG

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal),
Purple Ocelot


6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
McGKi

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink),
The Black Water

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers),
Elza Earl

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy),
Vanilla Wuthers

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Jean Edward

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter),
(I have four 5th grade teachers.. I just pick one) Lase Lexington

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower).
Winter Tulip

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)
Apple Pantsie

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree),
Chai Maple

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Latch hook Snow Tour

Random meme

type your year of birth and click google images, and voilà! A story to tell.

1985

We are the world is recorded by USA for Africa (Jackson still had a nose!)



Ernie Wise makes the first British Mobile phone call with Vodafone



Dukes of Hazzard goes off air after 6.5 years (it was all cause they brought in the "cousin" dukes instead of sticking with the originals.)



The night stalker kills his first two victims



New Coke failed.



Auschwitz "death Angel", Josef Mengele, is found to be buried in Brazil under the name "Wolfgang Gerhard"



Air India Flight 182 blew up killing all 329 on board



TWA flight 847 is hijacked by Hezbollah (look in the corner.. it talks about Mengele in the same article!)



SUPER MARIO BROS RELEASED!!!



Blockbuster opens in Texas



John Gotti becomes leader of the Gambino family



Wow.. 1985 was boring....

De-Lurking week!

Okay, I'm starting De-lurking week! We are in the fall season and everything starts to change and all that stuff.. SO, I am starting de-lurker week. I dunno if anyone will participate, but hell, I'm putting it out there.

I have over 500 hits.. I get one or two comments from the same person (and my SBP, who I dunno who that is yet) and I Wanna know who else is reading my blog!

So here's your chance.. DE LURK! I plan to delurk on the blogs I read (which will take me the better part of the week.. haha!

Okay.. the point? DE LURK! just say HI!

~Hawk

School starts, tooth pulled, finger gidgets

Okay, I had tooth #31 pulled today (12 year molar).. and wow.. hurts.

School started this week for my pre schoolers... My GOD! They are killing me. 10 min writing exercises are turning into 3 hour projects... My little smarty? Yeah, takes him teh longest because all I hear outta him is "that's rediculous" "why do I have to do BOTH sheets?" "Ugh, this is rediculous" 100 times! I had to break his little heart the other day (Wednesday)... everyone else in the class (6 other kids right now) got done... and he was still on the dots of his name sheet (3 rows of dots with his name, then 4 rows of write it yourself name) and so I took the other kids outside and left him in with the 3 yr old class... I felt horrible about it, but he did his work yesterday (and I was out with my tooth today, so I dunno how he did).

I know it's a slow process, I know it's going to take time, first week, blah blah blah.. but it's driving me crazy that I can't get them to even get half the work done in 15 mins... But I dunno... I went out to the teacher supply store and bought fight widgets that go on their pencils. I've got 2 leftys and 5 rightys.. and I have a hard time teaching the rightys to write better... so these widgets are specially designed for the correct hand.. and that's what I'm gunna use to hopefully get everything in order that way.

Week one is done though, and I am exhausted, even after having a day off... I hate the thoguht of going back on monday and seeing that the folders didn't go home, that work was not done on friday... I dread thinking who she (my boss) put in my class.. and the chaos that one day off schedule this early in the game can cause.. but the tooth had to come out.

I am getting prepared for a get together with EJ.. he wants to "talk" about what he said, about everything... shit... I dunno.. I'm not thinking right, cause I invited him down for the day... we are gunna go hang out at waterfront and go out to dinner to talk.. stupid boys.

Anyway, on the adoption front... I added 2 agencies to my list, and took away 4.. so I'm down to 6 agencies who I'll chose who to go with from. It's kinda sad.. right now, my life is so far from adoption, yet it would be perfect right now to adopt.. blah.

Hope all is well with all of you!

Back to basics

Boys suck.. plain and simple...

Back to basics.. talked to EJ about what we "were" and he proceeded to tell me all about this other person he's interested in and why this makes our situation interesting.. cause if he lived near this other person, he'd date them in a heartbeat.. but since he lives in a whole nother state from this person.. he is "settling" for me (yet, he didnt' say it that way... He said was ".although in all likelihood it won't make a difference since I find it hard enough to find one person to date not to even mention two :-P").. so basically he's settling for me cause he'll never find anyone else... Which.. sucks.

Anyway.. we may still hang out, but I'm not going to think about classifying it other than a friendship... no worrying about being exciting around him, no more wondering if he likes me.. no more hand holding or wanting something mor eoutta that... It's all just a friendship now.. and while that royally sucks and rips at my being... it also just makes sense. I'm not dating material.. I'm not marriagement material.. I'm a settlement.

Allwell.. back to basics.. Boys suck, no more dating, just me being single and living that life again with a smile on my face. I don't have to settle for anyone.. and I won't. but it still sucks so much it makes me cry. Stupid boys.

In memory

1 year ago a plane crashed up in Lexington. We didn't think much of it, except, oh how sad. Then mum got a phone call from her best friend "How's Fox doing after the crash?"... and it all got kinda scary... "What do you mean how's Fox?" "Oh, you didn't know?" "No, WHAT DON'T I KNOW ABOUT FOX???" "His GFs parents were on that flight.... they are dead"

Two people we knew died on that flight, and today marks the one year anniversary of that death.

So in the memory of all those who died in the flight, and in the greatest memory of the Combs'... Please take a moment to remember everyone, all 50 lives touched by the flight, 49 of them lost.

• Rebecca Adams, 47
• Christina Anderson, 39
• Lyle Anderson, 55
• Arnold Andrews, 64
• Anne Marie Bailey, 49
• Bobbie Benton, 50, and Jesse Clark Benton, 48
• Carole Bizzack, 64
• George Brunacini, 60
• Brian Byrd, 28
• Jeffrey Clay, 35
• Homer Combs, 51, and Karen Diane Combs, 52
• Fenton Dawson, 46
• Thomas Fahey, 26
• Mike Finley, 52
• C.W. Fortney II, 34
• Wade "Bart" Frederick, 44
• Hollie Gilbert, 35
• Erik Harris, 28
• Kelly Heyer, 27
• Jonathan Hooker, 27, and Scarlett Parsley Hooker, 23
• Priscilla Johnson, 54, and JoAnn Wright, 56
• Tetsuya Kono, 34, and Nahoko Kono, 31
• Charles Lykins, 46
• Dan Mallory, 55
• Steve McElravy, 57
• Lynda McKee, 58
• Bobby Meaux, 31
• Leslie Morris II, 72, and Kaye Morris, 58
• Cecile Moscoe, 29
• Judy Rains, 35
• Michael Ryan, 55
• Mary Jane Silas, 58
• Pat Smith, 58
• Timothy Snoddy, 51
• Marcie Thomason, 25
• Greg Threet, 35
• Randy Towles, 47
• Larry Turner, 51
• Victoria Washington, 54
• Jeff Williams, 49
• Paige Winters, 16
• Bryan Woodward, 39
• Betty Young, 74
• James Polehinke The lone survivor

Date three

Okay, so dating for you married people who read my blog may not SEEM interesting.. but for me.. it is.

Date three went great. We hung out at his apartment, had a beer, played video games and watched the simpsons and Venture brothers. It was pretty cool! We even held hands.. which for me was happy... Taking it slow...

He did break my "goal code" on my other journal.. which sucks.. cause now he knows "goal" for date 4 in a couple weeks.... but that's okay.. perhaps he'll take charge and do it... but who knows.

Anyway, off to run around for a bit.. only sucky thing about dating EJ is that he lives in Lex and I'm in Lou.. about an hour and a half away... so I hate that we can really only see eachother on weekends right now.. but that's taking it nice and slow...

Alright, update later with my agency post.. I haven't forgotten.. just been too busy.

Ugh

My brother Fox has Lupus.. Lupus Nefritis... And I am oddly rejoicing... because they thought he had instage renal disease cause he's having kidney problems. I kno Lupus is still horrible.. but many people on my da's side of the family are stilling living with Lupus... and have been for many years... I'm sad that at 27 my brother has to deal with this... but I'm glad it's not something worse...

Regardless, nothing major is going on in my life.. I'm going to be writing hopefully a good adoption post soon about agencies... Other than that.. it's been a week focused on Fox and making sure he's okay.

Date numero 2!

So, date one went great, and now I have date two!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bowling.

First date

Okay, so it's sad to admit, at 22 I just went on my first date. Yes, you heard me correctly... or shall I say read me correctly.

I went out with a bio guy.. and he was pretty damn cool.

We went to the movies, classic first, and saw the Simpsons movie. And as someone who doesn't really watch the show... it was pretty darn cool. It was hilarious at parts.. and I must say... Spider Pig was awesome!

Then over to O'Charley's for supper. Steak for him and turkey for me... and he actually didn't seem odd that I didn't get a steak... My brothers freak acuse I don't eat what they do...

Funny thing at the restaruant. Our waiter, Anthony, kept checking him out! It was hilarious. We'd be sitting there and he REALLY paid attentiont o him.. and E didn't see it at first. It wasn't until he took our order and put his arm on E's booth that he realized I wasn't crazy. It was great... he always spoke to him (cept maybe once he looked at me... and I honestly think that's when the bill came out), he refilled his water glass once and asked him if he wanted a second (mind you our glasses weren't dispropotionate in how much we each had left) and when he went to the wait station behind out booth he started at E like he was getting some! Oh it was great!

Regardless, for a first date.. my awesomeness! He wasn't forward with anything.. he seemed as nervous as me and generally didn't care to talk about childhood. He told some good stories, I got some in too... all in all I'd say by the end, I was comfortable. No one who reads this will understand that statement... but for me, that's pretty big.

All in all, I'd say it was a succesfull and hopefully repeatable.

That's all!

A date?

Oh my I think I gave my mum a heartattack! I haven't dated since I had my heart broken.. mind you that's quite a bit ago.. and I have a date tonight!

Yes, you heard me correctly.. me.. who swore I'd never date again.. is going to see the Simpson's movie with a boy... a real true boy! A boy who sought ME out.. who contacted ME first... and I'm quite astonished I agreed. He's driving an hour and a half to come see a movie with ME!

Lol... can you tell I'm nervously excited... I just have to get use of the car... Which I doubt I will have a problem with.. if mum ever gets off the phone!

Alright.. time to get ready.. what the heck.. get ready! woo!

SBP

Okay SBP, I officially love you!

I got your package and I just can't wait to find out who you are so I can send you thousands of thanks yous and a few cards and such! Dear goodness!

(and you reminded me tha tI need to make a trip to the post office and mail out my SBP stuff!)

Again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

Agency choices

So I'm down to 5 agencies! LOL, sadly I only started out with 9, and I wittled down so far by agencies who would talk to me starting today... being atelast a year under the "rules" (3 years by some agencies), I wanted to know an agency would take the time to talk to me now, to help me prepare and the likes. So far, 5 of the 9 have.

I'm not done searching yet... but I'm excited to have wittled some of my most advertised agencies down because they wouldn't take 5 mins to talk to me about their programme (It was rather rude, to be honest, but I digress).

If anyone works with an exceptionally excellent agency who you feel will talk to somone BEFORE they are of age to adopt, please send me an email I promise I won't name drop or the likes. I just want to be prepared and have my choices... I'm rather excited.

Please help and notify anyone you can

This guy who's aunt is missing is an awesome guy and started a foundation that I believe in whole heartedly.

Please, help if you can, and repost so that more people will see this and can help.

Thank you

MISSING: Joey Lynn Offutt

FindJoey.org

Hope Chest!

So, my grandmother let my mum take out Aunt Darce's old chest from her dining room. On this chest used to sit an old mummy that scared the shit outta my cousin! Well, I have it now. And it has officially become the hope chest for my children. I'm excited.

Surgery

Surgery went fine. I was home yesterday by 1130... with a 730 start time.. that's not bad. I spent about 35 mins in the operating theatre, then an hour in recovery, then an hour is recovery two (where family can visit)... and was home realitively earlier than anyone thought.

Thanks for the prayers.

Happy thoughts

If you have the time, if you could please remember me in your prayers. My knee sugery is today at 7:30 am.

Thanks.

100th post

Kestrel, Falcon, Eagle, and Osprey,

This is the 100th in a blog dedicated to you four. This entire journey is dedicated to brining you home, to your forever family.

I often dream about you four. I know right now, July 2007, you are not born yet, any of you. I dream about your smiles and about your small little hands and about your tiny toes. I dream about how much love you bring into my life, and me into yours. I dream daily about you.

Kestrel-
You are my oldest, the first born of my first two brought home (who I often call my twins). I dream of you as my dark haired, dark eyed little boy who is all boy. I often think of you as the one who will shower me with "Drive by" kisses and hugs. My boy that will, as my mother put it, make my heart stop, my breath catch, and my pride swell. I often wonder if I should give you your brother's name, thinking it'd fit better, as you remind me of the boy you will be named after. I can't wait to finally meet you, hold you and show you the kind of love that you can truely only get from a family. You are, in my mind, already a valued member of my family, my life and already own the greatest amount of love I can give you. I love you Aleksei Zachary, and eagerly await your presence in my life.



Falcon -
Kestrel's better half, yet a boy of your own right. I dream of you playing hopscotch a lot. I do not know what that means, but I do know I'd jump any hurdle to hold you and bring you home. You show up with dark hair and brillant grey eyes. My cuddler, my boy who will want his mamka to hold him constantly, never wanting to be far away. I eargerly await cuddling and kissing you, showering you with the love only a mamaka can give you. You hold a special place in my heart, my family will not be complete until you are with us. To watch you grow will be something of a miracle to me. I love you Aubrey Ezekiel, and cannot wait to have you home with me.

Eagle -
My girl, my baby daughter. You are the light of my life, and yet you don't even know the world yet. You are my light haired beauty, with brillant green eyes. You show up in my dreams as my darkest child, who holds onto her past longer than any of the boys. But I'm already anticipating you, I'm already planning how I can show you my love and show you that I do value your past and your culture. Someday you will see the vast pictures I've drawn showing that I love you. Your name is a grandmother you will never meet, but who I dream of you being like. A firey red head, with a little temper all your own. I dream of you being my easiest adoption, which will be a blessing. You, I feel, will be the center of our family. Bringing a completness to everything you do. I can't wait to hold you, my daughter, and bring you home to feel the touch and love of your mamaka. I love you Elisabeth Katherine, and openly await your flight home.

Osprey -
My baby, my youngest. You hold the finalization of our family. The moment you are home, our family is finally complete. I love my dreams with you. A bouncy boy, I meet you on your first birthday. You have jet black hair and chocolate brown eyes. You remind me so much of your uncle T that I cry to think about it. You are so smart, even so young. You express yourself not with tears, but other ways... a lot of pointing is done. You pick up so fast on what I want to teach you and you embrace family life better than anyone else. I cannot wait to see how you fit into my dreams once you are a reality, but I know my dream world would not lie to me. You are my last child to hold, and you have your moments. You want to be held, but to play at the same time. You are my little monkey, the one I fear I will have to throw out all my previous experience to parent. You are not born yet, but you will hopefully read this in the future and know that even now, in 2007, your mamaka wished for you and loved you. I love you Kaelin James, and know in my heart you will be home in the blink of an eye.

To you all -
You are loved and wanted, charished and celebrated. You are my babies, and I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you. I love you for, and to each of you wish a quiet life until you can come to your forever home, with me.

Names

Me - Hawk

Aleksei - Kestrel
Aubrey - Falcon
Elisabeth - Eagle
Kaelin - Osprey

So I finished finding birds of prey to go with. I didn't want ot call my future children "Vulture" or "Buzzard".. those aren't cute ones! So I found the Osprey.. and it's a pretty bird, much like a Hawk, and are often called Sea Hawks... which I like.

So now my children are all sorts of birds of prey.. I just.. if I choose more than 4, which I may, I have to go with Vulture and Buzzard.. cause there aren't that many BoP.. lol.

Friday surgery

So this friday I have surgery on my knee. I have a torn Meniscus and several cartilage floating around. I can't move the knee without great popping.. woo!

So friday, before I lose my insurance (probably September), I get to have surgery, Arthoscopic. I'm kinda excited about it, fixing my knee is a top priority in my life... and it's the final step before I can move out.. so hopefully this time next year I'll be on my own and practicing my great parental abilities (HAH!) with my own child... who knows.

Regardless, I'm looking into mission trips to Romania for next year as well. I want to go help out at an orphanage for a while... who knows. At the moment I'm dreaming of living in another country. A slavic country (Russia, Czech, Slavia, Romania, the likes). Who knows.. could be fun... I enjoy dreaming!

Anyway, if you have a second, if you could think on Friday to give me a happy thought, I'd appreciate it. Any good vibes will be awesome. Thanks!

(also, my 100th post is comming up.. I'm trying ot think of something special for it.... who knows!)

Sigs giveaway

Per request of Sig and her giveaways... A picture of my hottie...



Okay, I know he's gay, and really I've known that since I "fell in love" with him when I was like.. 12 or whatever... but he's still hot! (And he has a deep deep deep voice.. a must for a future spouse of mine.)

Regardless, Lance went from a silly looking kid with platnium blonde hair, to a rather stunning looking young man.

And to further show my fandom of many years ago, and I mean many.. I fell inlove with Lance's true first name, James... and thus my first son, which is now turning into my last son (as I want my twins first) will be Kaelin James, after Lance... and I even had two fire belly newts named James and Lance... It's sad really.

Regardless, Lance is my fantasy man.

Potter

No spoilers, I'm not an inconsiderate git.

I did not find this one as captivating as I found Half-Blood Prince. I do think it had it's own mind and was pretty cool... but I was so MAD at one death of a boy who I totally loved the rowdy spirit of. The deaths made me SO mad! I mean, shit, couldn't anyone cool survive? FTW!

Anyway, I will get to disect it a bit more.. and I can't wait till the Lexicon starts allowing comments about it... but they are waiting I think for a month to not spoil it for certain fans.

If anyone want sto discuss it, I'm open and willing! lol.

I hope everyone has a good night.

My childhood home

This is my first blogger carnival. Here goes!

My childhood home was a tri level. It was absolutely beautiful. Allow me to give you a tour, as no memories come floating back except for basically the lay out of the house. My childhood was spent mostly hiding under a bed, waiting for da to go to work. It's easier to give a tour and just float back with the tour, adding in a few things here or there that fit.

When you pull into our driveway you can see my mum is a gardener. The garage has a basketball goal hung up as well as the numbers 4919 in black metal. Stepping out of your car and looking straight out you see a huge oak tree. Next to the tree is my grandmother's old bird bath and around that is a beautiful array of Lilly of the Valley. Connected to that round garden is a long garden that is not that old. Mum put it in when I was starting high school. It has Azalea Bushes and other sorts of bushes that I'm sure mum's told me about, but I've forgotten. Again attached to that is the HUGE garden below the window. It has everything, including my wild flowers that I planted when I was 4. I am so proud of those flowers and remember very well the day that mum and I spread them around the garden. They all started out at the top right hand side, but soon we learned that those seeds spread quickly. We have a huge front porch that the kittens used to play on. On the right of the front porch is the door to the garage and sitting against it is a deer pelvic bone that a friend of ours found when he was looking through a newly dug up area. We call it a skull, and it probably still sits there.
Next to the garage door is yet another garden. It has lots of Grape Hyacinths in it. At the end of the garden is the Azalea bush that we keep killing with the basketball goal. I do suck at H.O.R.S.E.


When you walk in the front door you come into a living room. To your right was a coat closet and to your left was the room. Just past the closet was the steps going downwards and just beyond that, the steps up. There is horrible brown carpet in the walk-in room. Along the left wall is the hook for the coats. It has our last name engraved in it and 5 hooks. This is where we hang the stockings at Christmas. Next to that is a brown couch that is straight out of the 70's. Behind that is the big picture window. That window is where our cats, Bobbie and Josh, sit all the time, peering out over the garden, waiting for the possums to come out and play. On the far wall is the beautiful wood bookcases with the turn table/stereo combo in the middle on a plank of wood. All over the bookcases you see family pictures. Pictures of all my uncles and aunts when they were young and even pictures of my grandfather, whom I've never met. Next to the bookshelf is the record holder. Yes, my mum had loads of records.

Through the walk in room we go into the kitchen with a built in area for a dining table. Mum picked out beautiful white oak cabinets that have been smoke damaged. We always joke about that story, now anyways. When I was about 4 or 5, my aunt turned on the oven after we had been playing a rousing game of “hide the barbies”. We left some in the oven apparently, and had us a nice little Bar-Bie-Q. Smoke billowed throughout the house, but it's made for quite an embarrassing story as I'm getting older. There is a rather large amount of counter space in the kitchen and just beyond the island is our dining table. It has 5 chairs, and came from my Grandma Gaha. It's very old and falling apart, but it's been at our house since she died, I was 6 when that happen.

Leaving the walk in area, we'll head downstairs first. It's easier to describe downstairs and we have loads of memories hanging out down there.

First things first, bathroom is the first door on the right. Downstairs used to be my mum and da's bedroom when I was little. It had their water bed in it and their old timey furniture. Then, after my oldest brother moved out for college it became our living room. It has a nice tile floor and a hunter green couch. We had a nice 26 in TV in there and a pretty awesome entertainment center. On the other half of the room there is still some brown shag carpet. I must say my parents didn't update much from the 70's when they moved in. There is a bar, with no alcohol, and a computer on that side. Underneath the bar is another great childhood memory. On the underside of the nice black wood was fingernail polish. I had a great obsession with polish when I was a young child. I painted it bright red from the stash of my mum's polish. Mum wanted to sell me after that, but my da convinced her otherwise.

Going back upstairs we traipse through the brown carpet living room. Up 7 steps to the hall of rooms. Those 7 steps were GREAT of sliding down on cushions when I was a kid. And even after I slammed into the wall a few times, I still enjoyed it when my brothers pushed me “mega fast!”.

Standing on the 7th step you are looking at 5 doors. The first door on the right is the bathroom and shower. It's really big but all the paint is peeling cause my brothers must shower in pure hot water, and there is no vents except the one that always falls off.

The second door is a linen closet. It mostly holds sheets for our beds.

The third door, which is right opposite of the steps, used to be the room I shared with my brother. LOADS of great memories come outta that room, memories that are too personal to share and some that you would have to be a member of our family to get. The 2-3 years my brother, Fox, and I Spent in one room helped us bond in a way no one else could. Later, the room changed ownership to just Fox, and eventually my parents moved back up there, once my oldest brother, Thunder, was out.

The fourth door from the right, second from the left, started out as Fox and Thunder's room, but when I was born, Fox moved into the other room and Thunder got that room all to himself. Thunder's passion in life is space, always has been. So my mum painted his room black and put up a HUGE mural of Saturn on his back wall. And across the other walls she painted star constellations. They glowed in the dark too! It was the most awesome room I've ever been in. Once Thunder went away to college, the room became Fox's. He hated the black, so he painted over it in dark green. Hideous. Once Fox went off to college, I got that room, FINALLY. I wasn't allowed to paint it though. This room gave us such great memories. The old bunk beds were in here, and I remember once having the kittens in there only to find one peed on Fox's pillow. I never told him, until he laid in it. Oh his face was hilarious!

The final door from the right, first on the left, was my room. It is the smallest, but that's okay. There isn't much to my room, it's white, with wall paper that I've spent 10 years peeling off. My bed is plain... I'm a huge fan of white.

So back out the door, and down the steps. Back through the kitchen you see the back door. It's decorated with all my kindergarten projects. My favourite being the kite with the wiggly eyeballs all over it. Stepping out back, be careful. There is a big black lab that is waiting to pounce on you! This back yard is most of my childhood memories.

All throughout my life there was a high way behind my house, HWY 22 to be exact. The most exciting moments of my life were involving cars and that highway. When I was 7, a port-a-potty truck crashed through our fence, scattering feces every where. When I was 8 an older type car crashed through, leaving a younger boy into the house cursing his brains out and stating “My father is going to f***ing kill me!”. When I was 9 another car crashed through the fence and almost took out the house.

Growing up, my childhood wasn't littered with many great stories. The only great story that's worth mentioning is that I had a best friend way back then. We used to watch New York Undercover every thursday night and had a “half way” point between out houses (though it was 12 houses from mine and only 4 from hers... she swears it's half way between the houses). Every night, when we were done playing, we go to our half way point and do our secret hand thing... “You can't be the hippest cop in NY if you don't know the code.. ba damn” and we'd hit knuckles.

We moved from the house of my childhood when I turned 18 and went off to college. We've lived in 2 other places since then, and the house now isn't nearly as nice as that one was. I can't wait until I'm able to buy a house, because I fully plan to go make an offer on that house and hopefully get back the house I grew up in.

This entry doesn't have many memories, because honestly I don't have many that are all that great. We never sat around and sang songs, we never read the Bible together, we never did much. We all had our own things, but the one thing that always makes me smile when I think of that house is the fact that we were a family there. Now we all live elsewhere, my parents are divorced, Fox is battling kidney disease and trying to deal with his GF who's parents died in the Comair crash of almost a year ago, Thunder now owns his own house and is trying to fix that up so that some day he can start a family of his own there. Mum is remarried and I live in this house with her and her husband, and da moved to a completely different state and is remarried for the 2nd time after his divorce. Everything has changed, but those times spent in that house, even the times under the bed hiding, shaped me into who I am today and shape my dos and don'ts for my future children.

I hope you enjoyed my tour. It's more a tour, but I hope it fits into the carnival... we'll see I suppose.

Please pray

My cousin Judy is passing as I type this. They've called the family in, yet she has shunned so much of the family that none of us feel welcomed to go there. My grandmother (who is the actual first cousin of Judy) is so... everything. She grew up with Judy as another sister and now she had to make the decision to turn off life support. She stopped everything but her Morphine, because she does not want Judy is pain.

Judy has stage 3 terminal breast cancer. She found a lump in her breast 15 years ago and never got it checked out. Her friends even knew and said nothing. Once my aunt died (who is really my great great aunt.. but she was always Aunt Darce to use), Judy shunned the family, she totally rejected us and we haven't spoken to her is 15 years.. except my grandmother.

Now we deal with the aftermath. We get to deal with everything now and my grandmother is just... having a hard time of it. She did not get her will signed.. and now Maw has to deal with it intestate...

I just... if anyone can spare a moment to pray.. our family needs it tonight.

Poi

So I have a friend who is into all things poi and slowly i'm getting that way. I can spin anything, always have been that way, so now I'm getting into somethign fun and NEW!

What is poi? Well poi is technically teh art of spinning.. most people call it "fire spinning" but I don't wanna do fire. I'm all about doing LED lights. I have no intention of burning off my face! lol.

Basically poi is a toy that you learn to spin, eiht eron a full staff or two links. I am going to do the link spinning. It's awesome... and I really just lost all I was gunna say about it.. lol.

Anyway, I'm including a video of poi spinning.. you can see.

Mucho fun! and an activity you can do with your family! There is loads you can get short enough for kids.. and tha'ts how it relates to adoption and family.. see! lol. Once I start spinning good, when I adopt my children I can spin with them starting at a young age.. loads of spinning to help with bonding! woo!

Yahh, I'll shut up now and just show you the video:

Harry Potter 5

Oh my gawwwdddd!!! I saw Potter 5, IMAX, 3-D... hot shit well worth the 12 bucks I spent on a ticket (it was my monthly splurge on myself).

Let me give you a quick run down of the experience...

Went alone (cause I'm a dork with no local friends) and got sat next to some "trend" kids (the chick had those toe pumps from that master card commercial, and was excited to share that to everyone). The kids weren't as bad as the "philosophy major" who sat with his date on the other side of me... GOD he was annoying.. kept trying to sound all philosophical and cam eout like a jerk when corrected several times about the books VS movies. All in all the people in the Theatre weren't as horrible as I was when I was a kid (No malted milk balls were thrown!)

Regardless, The movie wa AWESOME! It was dark, demented and hyper! I adore the 3-D aspect. It was the entire fight sequence! Imagine them down in the department of Mysteries and jumping out at you! When the Death Eaters vanished and returned through the fight, it was like they were flying around you. The Thestrals were amazingly done so that they were flying out at you and fly about, and even before hte 3-D part (which was from thestral flight to the end of the sequence when Fudge sees Voldemort) the thestrals were amazing!

Luna was cool. I wasn't expecting the flightyness of the character, but you know, in the end, it was cool (or maybe Nargles have taken my brain... who knows!)

There were a few inconsistancies I didn't like... and from here on out will be a few movie spoilers.. so if you haven't seen the movie and plan to (and don't wanna be spoiled), stop reading.

I didn't like how in the DA, it ended up being Cho who was a snitch, or how they had it differ that Umbridge used Veritisai potion against them... I was almost excited to see how they'd do the puss filled boils writting "SNITCH" on her forehead. I don't like the Gwarp sequence, though I DO like how Hermy was able to use a stern voice to get him to put her down.

Some things that differed that I liked were:

I loved how they did the Centaur scene! I do like the Gwarp... I wasn't thinking how'd they do it, it was cute!


The one scene I LOVED, that made me cry, was the death of Sirius... OMG! I had my little 3-D glasses on and I just sat there going "OMG! OMG OMG!!!" I can't believe.. but the way they showed it was MUCH better than I'd ever imagined in it my head.. and the sad thing was Sirius had called him "James" right before he went down.. OMG!!! The gut wrenching aspect of it! OHH!

Anyway, if you've seen it, what you think?

Hey now you're an allstar!

I just blew my mum out of hte water with that "singing Bee" with Joey Fatone!

Hot shit they did my faves! They did Bohemian Rhapsody, Smash Mouth, Walk like an Egyptian! Holy cow! I kicked butt!

Regardless, I sang the entire Allstar song by Smash Mouth. It helps that we listen to it every tuesday on Tumblebus with the kiddos who go on there! (It's part of the Shrek Soundtrack.)

Anyway, I have a new show I adore! (I also kicked NSYNC butt when "Bye bye bye" came on).

~Hawk

Amused

So I'm gettin shit for a post I have up.. and all I can say is "shove it". If you want to email me personally about it, go for it. I will keep deleting negative comments about it, and I will continue to "censor" MY blog.. it's mine, I shall do as I choose with it.

100 visits in a week (4 of which are mine,w hich is why I'm only counting 100 of them!). I'm kinda excited abotu that! WOOHOO!

For those visiting, feel free to leave a note and let me know who you are! I am all about meeting new people round blogger and anywhere really.

Anyways, Have a good night/morning.

~Hawk

Dawn and Joe's fight

Dawn and Joe

IF you are reading my blog and have NEVER heard of Dawn and Joe DeLorenzo, please take a moment to go read their story.

They have had a shitty time trying to adopt from Kaz... They have had three referrals and all three children are still in Kaz, and they are home with an "empty crib and out 40,000 dollars" . They need all the help they can! If you have a moment, please please please please PLEASE take a moment to step up and help them out. All their information is on their blog!

Thanks!

~Hawk

Brithday bashes and Stephen Foster Story!

So today was jammed packed! First I had Wacky's 4th bday party.. dear God that kid made out like a bandit in loot! I added to that, of course! I got him two shirts (One was black and white tie die and said "I'm with the band, and we rock" and the other was multi colour deep tie die adn said "Surfer" on it), a DVD nad Batman and Scooby Doo together (kid is a NUT about scooby doo and batman!), Bubbles (what he told me friday that he REALLY wanted for his birthday!) and a framed poster of the old Scooby art that said "Hey man, like, get a clue"... He LOVED it!

I was sad that we had to leave the party early for the little guy. But we had so much fun. His parents are a hoot and I consider them small friends (meaning we don't go out for beer after work, but we talk a lot and hang out at daycare and functions). They made me laugh... last year, Wack had a chocolate cake and all that.. and I HATE chocolate.. so this year, knowing I'd be there, they got a white cake with white icing... IT's amazing these people care more for the taste of everyone at their party then my own family... but I'm PMSing and everything makes me cry.. and needless to say I choked up and made up an excuse like "I need to go pee!" to get out so they didn't think I was rediculous!

Regardless, Wacky opened presents and we chilled with his parents and Naerys parents and ate lightly (as they DID have a very pig centered spread.. and I Don't eat pig.. to which Boney (Wacky's dad) was like "well shit, had I known that, I would have gotten the honey glazed turkey.. it's MUCH better!) and p,layed a bit with the boys.. it was a good morning!

Then I came home and we left out to Stephen Foster Story down in Bardstown. IT was good.. first time I'd seen it. It was a good musical.. but not something I'll be paying 16 bucks to see again.. it was no RENT.

Now I'm off to bed with a migraine and I hope mum forgets about church in the morning...

Dear God...

She's written a book!

Unlearning Adoption...

Jessy DeBalzo, idiot anti adoption advocate, has written a book. IF anyone has been to her webpage before Adoption, Legalized Lies you will see she is not very good at her writing skills.

This girl, and I say girl cause sh'es not much older than me but still have the mentality of a child, claims that all adoptees are mentally harmed by adoption, that all adoptive parents are "kidnappers" and lying to their children and that all parents who surrender their kids for adoptions are coerced and then feel horribly regretful for the rest of their life for giving up their child. According to her, International Adoption is the worst kind because we, as AP's, are "Stealing the childrne from their culture" and "forcing them to live where they were not born" which in turn causes Internation Adoptee's to be "resentful" of america..

This chick has a serious problem, and I just laugh that she feels she has enough human knowledge to write a book... This should be interesting...

(All quotes are from a livejournal debate community that I am in with her (and hundreds of other people)... I never miss a moment to expose this idiot for what she is, and I do use strong language with her because she is for the abolition of Adoption under the false pretense that no one should be able to surrender their baby. And I know FOR A FACT that she believes in Infanticide over adoption. Anyone like that deserves to be tarred and feathered.)

a song (again)

There is a song we used to sing at church camp that I cannot think of the lyrics to to save my life...

Okay, I know most of them.. but it's the lyrics that gets the poor dog from the swap to Hawaii that gets me...

if you know this song, help a friend out here!

There once was a poor little doggie
Who lived with a poor little froggie
The dog was upset
Cause he was all wet
But that was okay with the froggie...
Some funky transition!!!!!!!
Now he's the
Hullah hullah baby from Hawaii
The hullah hullah baby from Hawaii
The hullah hllah baby from Hawaii today!!

Fun Fourth

What a fucking fun fourth!!! Pardon my language, but my goodness!

The day started up at 9 am with cleaning the house. The house wasn't messy, but mum is so scared of someone complaining because we have cat hair. Regardless, it was a grueling process to de cat hair everything and make sure the inside was bearable.. even though the whole picnic was outside... lol.

So family showed up.. one uncle couldn't be here because he had a bday party scheduled for his step granddaughter... which was okay. Everyone else was here in one sense or another (two female cousins, two male cousins, and my older brothers weren't here... so I guess really just the aunt and uncles were represented.. but thas't cool).

After a good cookout with no major incidents (we had my cousins BF's son spill his drink and the baby (who's 16 months) freak out for no reason) everyone went home but my little cousin. I love this little chick like she's my sister. She even has the same haircut as me! REgardless, we played gameboy and disney games mos thte night.. Then off to my grandmothers to drop her off only to learn my aunt would be shooting off fireworks...

So at 10 I went back to my grandmothers to shoot off fireworks.. as you can tell by this 10:45 post, the firework show was short! (C only bought a 3 dollar bag and a bunch of sparklers!) After 6 boxes of sparklers and a few measly things, I came home. I love love love sparklers and I hope my future children share this obsession!

All in all, I've had a great fourth, and can only hope ya'll have done the same! I can't wait until I Can share this little family tradition with my own kids! I am rather excited to show my kids what's up about fourth of july all the time! It's exciting to think about!

So how did everyone's fourth go? Those with children home for the first time, did ya'll have fun showing your new kids fireworks? Do tell!

Olympics

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/news?slug=ap-ioc-2014&prov=ap&type=lgns

That's exciting.

Happy fourth

I'm really getting in the bad habit of staying up past midnight.. it's 12:51 right now and I have horrible heart burn. Tis why I'm awake.

Anyway, I wanted to take a few secs to wish everyone a happy fourth! What are your fourth plans if you have any?

We are doing a picnic here. I think I am going to have the boy I take out occasionally over for some fun. My mum, step da, grandmother, aunt D and her family, Uncle J and his wife, possibly cousin M and her BF and his son (who is a little red headed cutie!) and possibly cousin S and her husband and kid and possibly (again) Uncle S and his other dauther S.

As you can see, my family makes NO concrete plans. My Aunt M on my da's side is having a party too... but neither my brothers nor my da will be there... so I ain't going. I haven't seen that side of the family ALONE in ages. Thanskgiving we went to cousin K's and hung out.. but I could hide behind the horrible stories of my middle brother's escapades as a little kid (he got more spankings than me and my other brother combined). But without anyone there.. well I ain't going.. simple as that!

Anyway, I'm gunna go piddle aroundon sims for a bit because I still can't sleep.. them I'm gunna try sleep.

Happy fourth everyone!

Template

So I'm tweaking and moving things about.. but I think by tomorrow I can get into this template.. or create my own... this one is much too.. airy for me.. seems so damn happy that I wanna pull my hair out! Regardless, it's after midnight (again) and I'm tired.

Anyway, I had to start my counter over at 0 :( Last count I was up to 22.. I was so excited! 22 people.. and only 4 of those were me.. which means.. 18 people visited my site! (and if you visited personally 16 times, I don't wanna know!)

Anyway! Bed time and tomorrow is our fruit tasting.. I'm gunna try to see if I can et my camera working and take cute pics without faces that I can post of my daycare kiddos! I'm excited about it!

Okay I couldn't do the cutesy.. now I'm back to the basics... and tomorrow I'm going to spend my time tweaking a couple different blogger templates I've found....

(Thanks Debbie for the links!)

bored

It's 1:08am and I am still awake. I didn't even sleep in this morning, because of church. Regardless!

Everyone is making new templates for their blogs... and while I can design a website, I'm a bit baffled at how to make a good working template...

I'm going to spend the day tomorrow after we give my aunt her shot working on it... but I may call for help! If anyone wants to offer a bit of advice or a few "dead" templates I can steal the HTML coding from, I'd appreciate it!

Anyways, off to try to sleep now... annoying walmart commercial on about walmart going green.. that bugs me to see that shit...

Right, sleep, work in the morning... and eventually I'll have my inspiration post up... if any of you have read Donna Partow's "Becoming a Vessle God can Use" well, I've found my starfish.... Yeah makes no sense to anyone else! haha! Anyways! Good night all!

Cool thing, and wow!

I added a ticker to my page a bit ago.. and 6 people have visited since then.. AWESOME! Someone does actually look at my page other than me!!

Anyway, now that my wow is over, here is a really awesome thing.

Debbie over at Family Reunion has lauched her website called Orphan Warmth. This is an awesome project! If I'm understanding it correctly, what's happening is, you order a blanket and one also gets donated to an orphanage, I'm assuming in Russia. If you don't want to order a blanket, but you want to donate to help this cause, she also has a donate button!!! Please check it out!


Orphan Warmth

I can't wait to get a bit more money back to order this! I am going to try to get a custom one ordered, but it'll be a while! Either way, think about it, and please please please help these orphans stay warm! (and help Debbie and her husband (who's name I'm unsure of, sorry!) bring home their children, one at a time!)

My PSA

So, the movie is over, and it's actually a pretty good movie.

The main girl had sex with a big jock who turned out to be a herion addict and HIV+. He died and the whole school slowly found out he was an addict, but no one knew about his status.. and the movie progresses from there telling the two stories.. one of the girl who slept with the jock and the teacher who has HIV... It was almost realistic.. as realistic as a lifetime movie can ever be.

I do like the end though, how they put up the facts about HIV conception and misconception. One of my favourite lines was "didn't you know, now you can get HIV from Seman, Vaginal fluid, Blood and VINYL!" .. but one would have to see the movie to actually understand that.

So here's my PSA...

If you've never been tested for HIV and have had sex, I encourage you ot get tested... Okay, I know... like most people who read my blog are older married people.. so possibly this doesn't apply to you... but if a younger person, my ageish (like early 20's), happens by here... please get tested. I've never had sex, but I have been tested simply bcause I work with children.. and by law, the parents do not have to tell us if the kids have HIV... so I would rather be safe than sorry... but if you are having sex, casually, monogomausly.. what is a one test going to do? Just get tested so you know...

That's about it.. that's my soap box.. go to a free clinic... and get tested... Want to find one? Contact me, I put together a list of free clinics in all 50 states for a group I was apart of in Highschool.

*steps down*

Anyway, good movie!

quick updates

so I'm slow, it's okay! I haven't updated in a bit.

What's new.. really nothing.

I have strep throat, thanks to a very inconsiderate parent who sent her children to school with strep and didn't bother ot tell anyone.. she knew they had strep because when she was called to come and get them for a fever her response was "damn, and I thought I had 2 more hours before the motrin wore off... guess I should make thier strep test appointment now".. it's life.. BWAH! how dare you! So now I've had to miss our big volunteer project on saturday and I had to miss a day of work because of it.

I have my knee surgery scheduled on Friday the 13th, of all days! I have a meeting with my surgeon thursday afternoon at 1pm. I'm rather nervous. It's a simple surgery, just reparing a tear in my miniscus (sp?) and cleaning out broken cartilage so it won't crackle and pop so much.. and draining a bit of fluid. Dr. R, my normal ortho, said it's a 20 min procedure that will keep me out maybe 3-5 days of work, which sucks, but I can deal!

I am trying ot find an easy bread and butter recipe fo rthe fours to make when I take them back off in a couple weeks. I've got an easy butter one, but now I need an easy simple bread one for them! Any suggestions?

It's almost 9pm and my mum and I are going to watch Girl, Positive. It's basically about a girl who hooks up with someone, who has hooked up with someone else and ends up HIV positive. It's supposed to be really good, so I'm hoping it lives up to the hype.

HIV is my disease of study ever since I was about 12... oddly what turned me on to it was the MTV show Real World. Pedro Zamora was HIV positive and he was very open about it. He truely was an amazing guy and made me think about it. When I was studying genetics as my first major, my goal was to work on a cure for HIV... To understand the disease and everything else. Regardless, it's a very interesting disease and I can't wait to see how it's portrayed in the movie.

Anyway, there's nothing else going on here. I'm still agency hunting.. I've found that my original agency is really expensive compared to others, but I'm now wondering if it's a get what you pay for business... who knows.

Well it's time for the movie! I'll give a review afterwards!

*snore*

It's 11:30, my brother is on his way over for Scrambled eggs and to "talk" about children... all I can think is that he's finally got his GF preggos... I'd laugh so hard if he did.. so hard... but I'd still help him take care of the kiddos (his GF is awesome, but is slowly going mental with the thought of her parents death a year ago in August.. they were killed on that flight that crashed at Bluegrass Airport off the short runway)... regardless... He says he wants to know about my plans for kids and talk about "who gets what name"... I know he wants Aubrey... IT is HIS middle name after all.. but I'll fight him for it!

Now I must make some eggs! Who knew eggs at midnight would become a family fun tradition... if only my other brother is with the middle one.. that'd be fecking awesome!

Frustrated

I got my first "offical" write up at work today... apparently a parent thinks I am not paying enough attention to their child so they sat there adn chumped up charges against me so that my boss had to write me up to shut that woman up.. needless to say I'm done dealing with her son all together (and I actually liked the kid.. blah). Parents don't understand this... if you go straight to the boss, your kid does not become our favourite.. we would never do anything to harm teh child or neglect him, but we don't interact on teh same level... If you have a problem with your daycare teachers, go to them first.. and then if you meet resistance, then go to the boss.. but going over their heads just.. pisses them off.

I'm really frustrated because during my write up I started crying. I'm already having a horrible week (it's the week before father's day and this is my 10th father's day since my da just up and left my mum, my brothers and myself) and I'm PMSing really bad this week already... and it's like.. UGH! The only good thing is we are a small daycare (11 staff members totall.. something like 50 kids) and I know the boss from church personally... so I didn't feel so stupid... it was just that no matter what it felt personal. I understand now it wasn't, but it's like.. damn it! lol. So now I have my first official reprimand in my folder in 3 years... I guess that's okay.

My brother is coming to pick up his car tomorow sometime with his girlfriend. I'm sad to lose his car! I have enjoyed haivng "my own" car this week. Granted mum's in Texas, so I have her car and my step father's car, but still. Starting next week I have to go back to sharing with mum. Blah. All well I suppose it could be worse.. I could have to take the bus!

My mum flies back in on sunday. I'm not excited about the return of king kong (or my step father... whichever!) but I am excited for my mum to be back around.

Doug and Kim on the radio read my "love on your kids friday" today. I was amazing and quite giddy (amazing my day started out so good). IF you don't know who D&K are, they are local radio hosts on the Christian radio station round here and tey do a cool thing on friday where parents can write or call and "love on their kids". And so I sent an email just saying that my kids are waiting for my in Russian and that even though they are so far away I still want to love on them.. and they read it.. sweet!

Anyway I'm excited at the buzzing on Frus.. and now I'm signing off to go shower and sleep!

Starbucks

I have an undying love for Starbucks... it's a nasty obsession... but I'm having fun with it! I looove the people who work there. I have two starbucks in the area that I go to and I just.. they are so cool.

Like today, for example... I went to redeem my "free anything of anysize" coupon and the guy I got, Josh, was awesome! I went to the window of the drive thru, and I handed him the coupon and instantly he was joking with me. He kept asking me what WAS my bad service, but when I went to answer, he'd stop me going "uhm.. let me guess... you got.. an EAR in your chai!" I'd answer no.. and make some comment like "now THAT'D be something to write home to mum about!" and he'd just laugh and continue trying to guess... finally my Chai was ready and he was all "now really, what was your problem"... I explained that that week I came and it took almost 25 mins for my chai and he was like "SERIOUSLY!!!".. I laughed and eplained that hte guy in front of me was a douch and kept making the poor girl take back his coffee and screaming at her through the drive thru window. He felt so "bad" for me that he gave me 2 more free coupons, telling me how much he wished my experiences would be better... Then he felt bad because my chair had Cinamon on it.. and I asked for it without that... so he gave me another coupon and a NEW chai tonight..

I'm in love... seriously.. with my starbucks!

Do any of you have fun/wacky/crazy Coffee/tea stories? I'd love to hear em!

Romanian Adoptions

I know Romania has ceased all Adoptions but I have read a couple things from 2005 that have made me think about it...

This article, from April 2005, states that adoptions, under a new law (which I can't find anything recently about), are available only after all other avenues have been pursured... such as in country adoption, family finds, things like that... also states that adoption of a child under the age of two is prohibited...

Has anyone heard anything about this? Does anyone have any more recent articles about this? I'd love to know if adopting an older child from Romania is still possible...

Romania was my first choice in adoption.. I spent 3 years perfecting the Romanian language... it was always a dream to adopt from there. I would love to someday still adopt from there and moving to Russia as my second choice (though now i claim it my first choice) was simply because so much of Romania is like Russia... even the langauges were similar (now having studied Russian for a bazillion years).

Regardless, if anyone could help me out I'd appreciate it! I'm going to do a lot of research... I can't even find anything on this on official webpages... I just find sindicated news about it from different European papers.

Thanks in advance!!

Debt Free

18 months until debt free.. so I thought.. Apparently they have sent my Best Buy card off because of a mix up.. so now I ahve ot deal with collections.. thank god they have the wrong phone number ... that's all I can say..

Regardless, I hope I can be debt free in 18 months and still be able to save up for a car and adoption.. yeah that fancy adoption save up.. BUT I've got a lot already saved up for adoption... which is probably WHY the mix up occured in my BB card.. hah!

Anyways, Tomorrow starts a new day.. 30 days of no wants... if it isn't required, I'm not buying it.. including outside food.. yes.. dumb me has to get up in the morning earlier and MAKE lunch! AHHH!!!! Who gets up at 22 and MAKES lunch in a little brown bag... I used to make fun of those people!

Anyways! I'm sleepy, it's almost 1 am, but I'm thinking too much to sleep.. thus now I have to go lay down and count sheep!

Good night all!

From Russia With Love

Dateline did an article tonight on a family who adopted 3 sets of twins from Russia... I want to be that family!

I enjoyed the bit of the article I got to see (my cousin came over to talk about her acceptance into Nursing school). I did not like, however, the big emphasis on gender vs colour. Like the little boy who picked the purple snorkle, and the parents freaked... the da took the blue snorkle and kept saying "blue, boy"... it bothered me to a deep level... it's a little boy.. he doesn' thave an understanding of colour vs gender yet, and he should never be forced to fit into that sterotype!

Regardless, what that woman did was amazing! If you didn't watch it, please visit the link and READ about it. Those parents were truely selfless and did an amazing thing for not just 2 children, as they had planned, but 6 children total! Amazing story!

St. Jude's

so last week was the annual St. Jude's Trike-a-thon. Of course the daycare I work at participated in it. We had a blast!

As part of the St. Jude week we had, we made cards for the children there. Our kids wanted to! I just finished the letter of it and I wanted to post a bopy here.. hopefully tomorrow I'll remember to take pictures of the cards and let you see how AMAZING the three's and four's classes did!

until then, here is the letter... (my name and the name of the daycare have been changed... mainly because I don't want my last name posted about and I don't want any weirdo's who stalk blogs (the bad stalk) to come by... creepy!)

Dear St. Jude's,

My name is Hawk and I teach at a small daycare in Louisville, Ky. Our daycare participates in the St. Jude Trike-a-thon every year and this year the children wanted to do more. After scouring our brains, the lady I co-teach with, Dana, and I decided the best way is to let children do what they do best, be creative.
We spoke in depth about cancers and we answered many questions about how sometimes people just get sick, and how the smallest things can help them smile, which makes everyone feel better, if even for a moment. The children decided to make cards to help the kids at St. Jude's smile.
Enclosed in the envelope you will find the work of three and four year old children in their plight to help other kids feel better with a smile. Each card was hand made by a different kid and each child that made them poured their heart and soul into the project (even giving up a whole day outside just to finish them).
Our hope is that each child who receives these cards can smile, at least for a small amount of time, and someday be able to smile all the way out of the hospital, holding only their card as a reminder of their time there.


Sincerely,


Hawk
and the staff and children of Daycare

LMAO

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high h schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. T! he whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I'll admit it!

I'm a huge huge huge huge huge HUGE! Josh Groban fan. I heard him on something a long time ago, way before Ally McBeal, back when he was merely training.. and I fell in love!

So I heard this song, and it really hit kinda in the adoption front.. whether it be from the kid's perspective or the parent perspective... but in the end the meesage is still the same! Don't give up, you are loved!


You are loved (don't give up) Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

A song

It is so amazing how a song can stir up so many emotions and memories in a person.

There is one such song for me, and I have heard it on several shows final season show. It is "Hallelujah" (by Rufus Wainwright and I'm sure many others). Rufus Wainwright sings the one particular version that tugs at my heart strings.

I don't really remember why, I block a lot of my teenage years out of my memory, but I do know that one person gave it to me in a deep pit of dispair and it became something of an anthem, and I don't honestly know why.

Everytime I hear that song, my years come back ot me as if they were 50 or so years ago (they were not, I'm merely 22). I think about the wasted years of my teenage times and I think about who I was then, and who I am bcomming... I think about all the silly dreams and how so far, nothing of that such has come true. I often think about what the goal was when I was 13, when I was 15, at 16 and so on. Somewhere along the way that goal became to survive... And now, I'm still just surviving.

One of my biggest goals was to adopt a child by my 25th birthday from Russia. At the current pace, that may not happen yet... but what will be will be right? Que Sura, sura... It's kind of like C'est la Vie... That's life! It's a motto...

Regardless, I have nothing in my life to show for my ages now expect for a few scars, mental and physical, and a deeper appreciation for what I'm up against in the future.

Anyway, it's late, I'm in a big thinking mood and I'm bitter because I can't afford to move out anymore. I have to drop school to afford living as I am now, and I have medical bills piling up I never thought I'd have, and yet all I can think is "well, I can name 17 people who have it worse than me, so shut up already"... ahh yes, ahh yes.

Anyway, bed now.


Hallelujah: Rufus Wainwright

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah