It is so amazing how a song can stir up so many emotions and memories in a person.
There is one such song for me, and I have heard it on several shows final season show. It is "Hallelujah" (by Rufus Wainwright and I'm sure many others). Rufus Wainwright sings the one particular version that tugs at my heart strings.
I don't really remember why, I block a lot of my teenage years out of my memory, but I do know that one person gave it to me in a deep pit of dispair and it became something of an anthem, and I don't honestly know why.
Everytime I hear that song, my years come back ot me as if they were 50 or so years ago (they were not, I'm merely 22). I think about the wasted years of my teenage times and I think about who I was then, and who I am bcomming... I think about all the silly dreams and how so far, nothing of that such has come true. I often think about what the goal was when I was 13, when I was 15, at 16 and so on. Somewhere along the way that goal became to survive... And now, I'm still just surviving.
One of my biggest goals was to adopt a child by my 25th birthday from Russia. At the current pace, that may not happen yet... but what will be will be right? Que Sura, sura... It's kind of like C'est la Vie... That's life! It's a motto...
Regardless, I have nothing in my life to show for my ages now expect for a few scars, mental and physical, and a deeper appreciation for what I'm up against in the future.
Anyway, it's late, I'm in a big thinking mood and I'm bitter because I can't afford to move out anymore. I have to drop school to afford living as I am now, and I have medical bills piling up I never thought I'd have, and yet all I can think is "well, I can name 17 people who have it worse than me, so shut up already"... ahh yes, ahh yes.
Anyway, bed now.
Hallelujah: Rufus Wainwright
I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
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This is the blog I plan to use to outline my information on adoption, getting kids ready for life, and starting life with kids. Hopefully this will be a place to share my thoughts well throughout the adoption process and everything involved.
2 comments:
I say this with love.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are just 22. You have plenty of time to fulfill those goals.
I know all to well about wanting something and not having it when you want it.
Set your goals and then work for them, I believe you are already doing this.
Save like crazy and then move out. Check into Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class, it might help you pay off the debt and set a savings plan in motion.
I'm not sure when you are planning on starting the adoption process but you have a little time before you would need a Home Study done. Take advantage of your living situation now so that you are better off when you start the process. Trust me (speaking from experience) the worst thing is to start this process and not have the money to do so. I don't mean all of it but at least 1/3-1/2 of it already available.
I don't mean to offend. But I don't like to see you hurting either.
I like the song. I don't think I ever knew the words to it.
Hi, I'm new to your blog! Thanks for the potty training advice :)
Yeah, Debbie has some good financial advice there. The expenses are high when the kids come home, and you want a reserve built up, because you will probably be off work for some time to finalize the adoption. Medical bills for the kids, food, etc. can really add up. Its amazing how much the little guys eat!!!
Also, I saw your budget for two children and I think you're a little low with $46K...maybe some others can chime in, but I think (depending on your agency fees and how much notice you get to travel) you need to be thinking in the $50's right now, particularly if your waiting period isn't waived. Everything is double for two kids including medical exams, visas, etc. Also, lots of unexpected expenses tend to pop up while you're in-country.
If it happens by 25, great. If not, you are certainly no failure because you're only making sure that you're ready for the children in every way.
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