Okay, not 101, but a few.
I am pondering over closed VS. Open adoption. I read DEBBIE'S blog daily and after waiting for a Russian adoption she opted instead for an open domestic adoption. I read a few other blogs she links out religiously and I often wonder... "Open VS Closed".
I don't want to seem closed minded... not at all. Open adoptions seem uncomfortable to me... I'll be perfectly honest. I have wanted closed adoptions from the begining, which is why foreign adoption seemed so right to me... it was where I was being called. And now I am in a different seaseon with my life and find myself looking at open adoptions, domestic adoptions and adoption through the foster care system... all of which have been shown to me by people who I look up to in the adoption world.
That said... I often wonder... Why open? Why the need to have the birth mother so close? What if the birth mother doesn't want to BE that close? Is open good for the kids bonding times? I mean, if they KNOW this other woman was their mum, that's one thing, but to be in monthly or whatever contact with her, couldn't that confuse the kid? Does confusion become greater as the kid gets older, teh feelings of resentment over "Well, why did you choose not to keep me but kept them?" (I know a woman who gave up her 8th kid, but kept the other 7.) Couldn't that cause confusion for the kid over parents VS PARENTS?
I sound horrible, I know that, but these are all honest thoughts in my head, and dammit this is my blog. If you don't like my honesty, go away :)
that all said, I'm sure I'll add a million more questions to this over time, and as our adoption gets closer (HAH! I've come to think it'll NEVER happen :( ) I'm sure I'll have a million more questions.
thanks,
Hawk
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This is the blog I plan to use to outline my information on adoption, getting kids ready for life, and starting life with kids. Hopefully this will be a place to share my thoughts well throughout the adoption process and everything involved.
3 comments:
You don't sound horrible at all. You sound normal.
Bonding time is not an issue. Isabel is bonded with us for sure. But she's also comfortable with Monica which we're thankful for. Of course we're still young.
Statistics say that there is actually less confusion with open adoption. They know where they came from. But I do wonder about the question of why me and not them when/if Monica has other children. But just like I can't prepare for the teenage years now I can't prepare for that now either. We will deal with it then. It's not that I haven't given it thought, it's just that I have to decide what to worry about now.
It's a tough decision. Best book that helped me was 'Adoption Without Fear'. It was when open adoption was starting again and it's all couples from one agency over a few years. They even show some failed experiences. If after reading that book you are scared of open adoption still then chances are that it isn't meant for you. And I mean that with a lot of love and respect. Reading it made me see how it could be and prepared me for what might come.
Okay, I've rambled enough.
Looking forward to reading your posts on childcare in general.
You don't sound horrible, you sound honest. I was not comfortable with open adoptions which is why I chose international. I admire those who can do it openly, but it's not something I can do. And it's okay to change your mind in the middle...we become different people as we progress along this journey.
I'm with Debbie. You sound completely normal. The thing is, open adoption isn't about the a-parents at all. It isn't really about the birth parents either. It's about the kids and what is best for them.
I adopted my son from foster care. He hasn't seen his birth mom in 5.5 years. She was neglectful and often cruel to him when he was in her care. But she did love him. And he loved her. He doesn't want to see her now, but he thinks about her a lot and misses her. And he always says that "one day" he'd like to find her.
Whether you have a closed adoption or an open adoption, the birth parents will be a part of your life and, more importantly, your child's.
But you're doing the thinking now and you're questioning things. That's more than some a-parents do. Because of that, I'm pretty sure you'll be OK and you'll make the choices that are in your child's best interest.
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